


How it Fits

by Kandy_Tor



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Confused Tubbo, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Genderqueer Character, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I am out of practice, I give up, OOC, Older Sibling Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo Needs a Hug, genderqueer Tubbo, i guess, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:28:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29272491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kandy_Tor/pseuds/Kandy_Tor
Summary: Tubbo doesn’t think they can ignore their hurt and confusion about their gender, so they finally go to Dream about it. Turns out he had some wisdom to share.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 78





	How it Fits

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first thing I’m posting since like 6th grade bc i felt better after writing it :). It’s not the best, but i decided to post it so here it is...

It’s so awful and annoying. It’s just a bunch of noise buzzing in their head. Their? Her? His? God, they hated this. They thought that they might be bigender, but it never fit right. Never felt right. So they tried to ignore it, but waking up and pretending to feel good as a girl was tough. Not in the sense that they weren’t girly, but the fact that they sometimes couldn’t handle saying that they were a girl. But they didn’t exactly feel like a boy either. For a while they thought they might be non-binary, but that wasn’t it either. It was infuriating. 

They don’t really have anyone to go to for this and what they read are just words that don’t mean anything to them. They/them. Maybe it was right. Non-binary people could be more ‘feminine’ or more ‘masculine’, but Tubbo felt both or one or the other at different times. It was more of a blur. They put some thought into being gender fluid, but what they saw about it was too much. What they saw was people who felt one gender in cycles and they dressed correspondingly and Tubbo just thought that it wasn’t right. 

They went back to just ignoring and just telling themselves that they were just simply existing. That pain was still there, the discomfort, the lie. Some days Tubbo felt great and sometimes thought that they were just going through a phase and that they really were just a girl. Other days, Tubbo felt so lost and confused and just hid from themselves, under layers and layers of their brothers' larger hoodies and closed eyelids. 

Tubbo went through months, almost a year of this. It hurt so much. They were losing their mind. It was so suffocating to them. It was like being stuck in this toxic cloud of confusion and frustration. Tubbo tried so hard to ignore it, but how much longer could they survive? 

They just couldn’t figure it out and they knew they couldn’t go to Tommy about this, he couldn’t figure this out for them. It was too personal and something only they could really know. 

So, Tubbo went through what they knew again. Non-binary just didn’t fit. It was like wearing shoes on the wrong foot, It could work, but it wasn’t right. Bigender was the tough one. They thought that it fit, and it did for the most part. (If we’re sticking with the shoe analogy, then it's like when you’re growing up. You buy shoes one size up from your ‘real size’. They fit, but not the way they’re supposed to) But it felt like a lie. 

Tubbo at this point was going crazy. They just needed something to help. Someone to help. So they finally decided to honestly answer Dreams questions about why they kept taking his hoodies. They went to knock on his door since he was home right now and it was now or never. Once they heard a ‘come in’, they cracked the door open.

“Hey Dream, can I talk to you about something?” Tubbo muttered. This caught Dreams attention as he sat up in bed, noting the serious and nervous tone in his ‘sisters’ voice. 

“Of course, come in,” Dream cleared his throat and gestured for Tubbo to take a seat on his bed. Tubbo responded by doing so, nervously fiddling with their hoodie sleeves and scrunching their eyes to ‘reset’ them. “So, what’s up?” Dream asked in a welcoming and comforting tone. 

“Well, I know you’ve been asking why I've been taking your hoodies and I know you don’t believe me when I say it’s just because they look better,” Tubbo tried starting after being unsure of how to talk about this. They continued on after Dream said nothing, “So I’ll try telling you as best as I can.” They took a deep breath, scared of not getting this across right. They’ll try to keep it light which might be hard, but maybe it’ll help. Dream grabbed their shoulder,

“I'll listen for as long as you need me to, okay?” Tubbo nodded and decided to begin. 

“Some days I feel great. I feel comfortable and it makes me believe that my previous thoughts of me being a boy or non-binary was just a phase. It made me think that I really am just a girl and that me thinking that I was more than that was just me looking for attention,” Tubbo was looking at their hands, as if their fingers would tell them what to say. “Though attention isn’t the right word, seeing as my adorableness grants me enough attention,” Tubbo says jokingly, glancing in Dreams direction, then looking back at their hands.

“Then some days it feels wrong.  _ I  _ feel wrong. Ive put so much thought into whether I was non-binary or bigender or gender fluid, and nothing feels right. So I just gave up on trying to understand, telling myself that I just simply exist, but it’s too much,” 

Tubbo’s vision begins to blur with tears at the thought of the feeling of being so lost. “I mean, I’m me. So why can’t I figure it out? Why is it that some nights my skin doesn’t feel like my own? It gets so bad that I can’t sleep and I just need to hide from myself,” a few tears slip from their eyes. “What I guess I’m talking to you for is to ask if you can help me. Help me carry this or figure it out because I can’t do it alone. I know this is a personal thing and you can’t tell me who I am, but I just need something,” Tubbo didn’t realize that they had closed their eyes until they opened them. They looked at Dream and saw how concerned he looked, eyes shining with almost tears.

“Listen,” Dream began. “I can’t say I understand what you’re going through, but I do know this; these labels that you think don’t fit you right are only blanket labels.” Dream paused, licking his lips before continuing, “Labels aren’t meant to fit anyone perfectly, they're just supposed to give you and others an idea of who you are. For example, being bigender is usually told as identifying as both male and female at the same time, but to anyone it could be any two genders or maybe they shift between the two genders or whatever else goes with that.” Tubbo shifted to face Dream more while taking in what he’s said so far. 

Dream continued, “There will never be a label perfectly tailored to you because who you are and what your mind thinks can never be something that the whole world can understand. Labels have multiple meanings under one general idea, it’s up to you to make your own specific meaning.” Dream sighed as a punctuation to what he said. They both sat in silence for a moment.

“You talk a lot, Dream,” Tubbo said, giving Dream a fake side eye. Dream gasped, playfully putting a hand on his chest faking offense.

“I talk a lot? If what I said was a lot then how much did you talk? Forever?” Dream scoffed.

“Oh I barely even spoke,” Tubbo said, waving their hand in dismissal. Dream laughed as Tubbo thought some more. “Will you cut my hair?” They ask softly. They’ve been thinking about it lately. Dream smiles and nods. 

“I can cut it close to the length you want and we can take you to a hairdresser to shape it better,” Dream says. Tubbo nods understandingly and looks over at Dream. He just laughs before asking, “You wanna cut now, huh?” Tubbo nods again, but more excitedly. 

They both head to the bathroom and gather the things for hair cutting. They wash and brush out Tubbo’s hair and sit them on the toilet. “Alright Tubbo, how short?” Dream asks.

“Little past my chin, please,” Tubbo responds enthusiastically. Dream nods and heads to work, cutting it a little longer than where Tubbo pointed so that the hairdresser doesn’t cut too much hair. They both sit in a comfortable silence as Dream snips Tubbo’s rib-length hair away. Once he’s done, Dream fluffs up Tubbo’s hair before showing them. 

When Tubbo sees it, it feels good. It feels like the right size shoes on the right feet. Not too short, not too long. It’s a nice middle. Tubbo turns around and hugs Dream, thanking him for helping and doing this for them. Dream brushes it off saying it was no big deal, but it was. They both clean up the mess and head off to bed. Tubbo has a lot to think about, but they can do that later when they’ve gotten some rest. 

The next day Tubbo is home alone, with mom at work and Dream with friends. Tubbo takes the chance to think more. They go through the same thoughts again, but with new information this time.  _ Non binary, bigender, gender fluid. Bigender, gender fluid. Bigender, gend _ -. Tubbo’s thoughts are cut off by their phone buzzing, indicating a call from Tommy. Tubbo gladly picks up.

Tubbo and Tommy end up being on call with each other for a few hours, and they hang up laughing at something stupid they were talking about. Tubbo soon after hears the front door being unlocked. They head downstairs and find Dream walking in with a bag. 

“Hey,” Tubbo greets him, walking down the rest of the stairs. Dream responds looking up from taking his shoes off,

“Hey.”

“You’re back earlier than I thought you’d be,” Tubbo comments and Dream chuckles.

“Well, I really only went out to get this,” Dream gestured to the bag. “And take care of something else,” he finishes. 

“What’d you get?” Tubbo asks curiosity. Dream hands them the bag,

“Something for you.” Tubbo looks at him gratefully, then looks back at the bag. They pull out what’s inside. They look at what they just pulled out knowing what it was, but still looking at Dream for confirmation. Dream nods,

“A binder,” and Tubbo’s heart melts. They cant believe Dream got them this. “Thought that it might help you out a bit and maybe you’ll use it,” Dream says. Tubbo hugs Dream, thanking him, then runs upstairs to put it on. After some struggle, Tubbo gets it on and puts a t-shirt over it. They look in the mirror and feel something again. It’s like puzzle pieces are slowly coming together. There are so many pieces, but they are slowly coming together. 

Tubbo still has a lot to figure out, but for now they can just enjoy the feeling of not being so lost anymore. They hope to find their way soon, and who knows, maybe they will with the help of others. 

  
  


**BONUS:)**

Tubbo looks in the mirror more, enjoying the comfortable appearance, when they realized something. They ran back downstairs to find Dream, who was in the kitchen. “Hey Dream,” Tubbo said walking into the kitchen and getting Dream’s attention. 

“How did you get the right size binder without asking for my measurements?” Tubbo asks, genuinely curious because the binder fits well. Dream laughs,

“I had an interesting conversation with mom. I asked her what your bra size is and she eventually gave me the information when I told her why I was asking,” Dream drinks the water he was pouring when Tubbo came downstairs.

“You told her?” Tubbo asks with some panic. Dream realizes what he said and gulps the water that was in his mouth.

“I only said that I was getting you a binder for a stupid costume as a cover,” Dream says. “I had to say that it was a binder I was getting since she can see what I buy with my card, so I thought a silly costume thing would work.”

Dream looks at Tubbo for a moment longer. “I’d never tell her, that’s your right,” he says softly. Tubbo smiles at him, grateful.

“You could’ve avoided all that and just asked me,” Tubbo says flatly. Dream rolls his eyes and looks at them.

“I wanted to surprise you,” he says. “Now I’m going to lock myself in my room the rest of the day. Oh, and make sure you wash your hair for your hair appointment Saturday.” Dream walks past Tubbo, heading up the stairs.

“You book that too?” Tubbo asks, shocked at how soon he did it. Dream just laughs and closes his door. Tubbo sits down at the kitchen table and smiles to themselves.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed that mess! I haven’t really written much for a while until I started writing vent stuffs so I though I might post this because I really like writing and might post some other things. Now go drink water.


End file.
